The Spiral Downward

Have you ever felt like you’re finally on the mend, only to have everything come crashing down again? That was me in January 2024. The excruciating pain from the root canal had started to suubside. The constant pounding headaches decreased in intensity. My emotional regulation was starting to improve I thought the antibiotics were helping, but they were just the calm before the storm. What followed was a mental and physical spiral that left me feeling a new kind of pain. So started the descent into darkness.

At first, I was hopeful. For about one week, I felt like I was getting better. I had more energy, my mood lifted a little. I was seeing friends, and I thought I was finally moving forward. But then it hit—hard. It was like my body had been waiting for just the right moment to betray me. (I don't know if anyone has watched supernatural, but towards the end Cass makes a deal with the Empty where when Cass has finally started to settle down, and allows himself to be happy, the Empty will come and capture him for a life long of torture. Well... It was kinda like this lol).

The thoughts came first. And not just any thoughts—the worst ones. Things I thought I had worked through in therapy, people I thought I had forgiven, mistakes I thought I’d moved past. It was like my mind was playing an endless reel of every painful memory, every failure, and every regret. I couldn’t stop it. No matter how much I tried to distract myself or reason with my own brain, the loop kept playing, louder and louder. I knew the thoughts were irrational, but with my strength declining, I lost the energy to reason with myself.

I couldn’t sleep. My mind was too loud, and when I was awake, the noise was unbearable. Interacting with people became impossible because I felt like my head was in a completely different world. I was angry, sad, and scared all at once. Every moment felt overwhelming, like I was drowning in my own thoughts. It was like drowning in an ocean, but when I finally surface and try to take a breath, a huge wave comes crashing over me, again...and again...

It didn’t stop there. Slowly, my body started to shut down. First, moving my body was painful, and all hopes of working out went out the door. Staircases were dizzying. Standing up, or sitting down, or changing positions made me feel physicallly ill. Eventually, I couldn’t get out of bed in the mornings. I’d lie there for hours, telling myself I needed to get up, but unable to move. Then I stopped eating. It started because I didn't have the energy to make food, despite my body aching in desparation for nutrients. Then, I wasn’t hungry anymore, I lost my appetite. Eventually, I stopped leaving my house altogether. I was trapped, both physically and mentally.

I had dealt with depression before, but this was something else. This wasn’t just sadness or hopelessness or lack of motivation. It was physical pain; it was mental pain. It was like a cloud of heaviness had settled over me, and no amount of therapy, journaling, or meditation could lift it.

I had been through years of therapy, and I had a solid mental health toolbox, but nothing was working. Nothing. It was as if al

l the strategies I had learned over the years had failed me when I needed them the most. It was as if everything I tried, could never measure up to what I needed. No amount of psychoeducation, no amount of knowledge from my neuroscience major, no amount of reading and practicing through my DBT, DBT, and ACT books, no amount of...anything.

I was stuck in this dark place, and it felt like there was no way out. I spent hours crying, so I started ignoring my thoughts. I couldn't be talked to without losing my temper. I couldn't add any animation to my voice. But as desperate as I was, there was one thing that helped me hold on, and get through each day. In the next post, I’ll talk about the one unexpected thing that kept me grounded when everything else seemed to be falling apart.